Thursday, February 4, 2016


It has been a while since I've written. I apologize if anyone missed me. One of the hallmark factors in my Aspergers is my ability to hyperfocus. Sometimes this hyperfocus can do more harm than good, unfortunately.

I am a doer. I write lists. Lots of them, because another habit I have been struck with is the unfortunate practice of misplacing things.

So for every 5 lists, I lose 4. I need lists to keep track of my lists when it comes right down to it.

I digress. I am avoiding the subject at hand here.

So back to my hyper focus. Here's the thing. It has, for the better part of my existence served me in many ways as a benefit.

Take for example my health habits. Circa 8 or 9 years ago you could find me digging for change at any local drive thru. While today, I wouldn't be caught dead eating anything that isn't labeled non GMO.

I attribute this shift in my eating habits to a documentary I watched on the food industry, and how it is directly related to physical and even some mental illness. That what I was putting in my body was causing detrimental effects and there were hard facts to prove that. That was enough for me to engage in a complete overhaul of my health habits.

My ability to hyper focus on the elements of healthy daily living was what essentially led me to lose 40 pounds, quit smoking, go off all anti anxiety and and antidepressants and become a healthy, active vegetarian. This...all at once, no turning back or slipping. I was all in.

I realize changes like this are not exactly easy for everyone. So in this aspect my hyper focus is an asset to my personality.

Sometimes though, I have the tendency to focus on things that are unfortunately not so healthy, like toxic relationships.

I haven't figured out exactly what it it is that draws me in about certain people, but I have been able to pick up on a pattern at least.

One of the first things that happens is all my healthy habits like writing, reading and exercise fall to the wayside and my hyper focus turns obsession. My existence becomes solely and completely about this toxic person. I refer to them exclusively as toxic here because the pattern has suggested that my healthy relationship do not produce these kinds of effects.

At first, its very subtle. I tell myself I'm socializing and at best, this is a positive thing. Right?

Then, little by little the excuses and rationalizations begin to trickle in. I find myself saying:

“Its okay to take a break”
“ I'll get back to it next week”
“Its good for my writing to have these kinds of experiences”

When, in all reality, none of this proves to be an accurate interpretation of whats to be.

This is, by far, honestly, the longest I have allowed myself to stay away and to be completely candid, it has been incredibly scary.

Those habits keep me healthy. Without them, things can get ugly very quickly.

I become depressed. Anxious. Disconnected. Groggy. And start to feel lost.
It's not easy.

It's also not easy to admit that I am capable of allowing these things to happen, being conscious while they are happening and not immediately forcing myself back on track because well, sometimes, it's easier not to care about everything, including myself.

It's hard for me to admit this.

It has taken years of self work to build up my resilience and in an instant I allow a single person to obliterate all of it.

But this is my reality.
It has forced me away from the person I try very deliberately to be, every day of my life. It happens more often than I like to admit.
As of today, I haven't made any moves in either direction. Where I want to be or where should be.
I'm still trying to figure it all out.
All I can hope for is that when all is said and done, I still have enough left inside to forgive me,no matter how long the process takes to get back on track to healthy.
Until next time,Stay weird.