Some people are under the impression
that individuals on the spectrum lack emotion, that they have no
sense of connection with other humans. I can only speak for myself,
hopefully someone else, but the degree to which I feel is most times,
completely overwhelming.
I'd like to share a story which I
believe may serve as an example to help others to get an idea of
exactly what I mean.
A few years ago, before my diagnosis,
I was sitting at my daughter's middle school soccer game when I had a
realization. That afternoon a gentleman stood next to me in a 3 piece
suit and a trench coat. I knew this man to be the father of one of
the girls on the team. I also knew that only a few weeks earlier this
seemingly put together man had lost his 4 year old son to a long
drawn out battle with leukemia. The news hit the family in such a way
that it had fallen apart.
That afternoon I happened to have my
son with me who was 6 or 7 at the time. My son is like me in a lot of
ways. He can be painfully shy and socially awkward at times. I try to
encourage him as best I know how to talk and play with other kids. I
noticed that day, rather than joining in with the boys he sort of
just stood by and watched from a distance. I sat and watched him and
felt helpless.
It was also then that I noticed the dad
in the trench coat next to me had turned around and was also watching
the boys play. Instantly, my heart sank. I could feel the weight of
his sadness like a ton of bricks. He didn't need to cry or look at me
or even say anything for me to know this feeling was for certain. It
somehow got absorbed without my acknowledgment. I could feel how he
missed his boy, flt guilt for having my own and not being able to
help him, and sadness for both of them struggling separately at that
same moment. There was nothing I could do about it. Even as I write
this, I am immediately taken back to that day. My lips are numb and
my heart races and I feel so heavy.
I left the game early. I felt guilty
but I knew the longer I stayed the worse I would feel and the longer
it would take to recuperate.
This type of experience happens all too
often. I used to take trips to animal shelters every week when I
worked with the disabled. It was supposed to be a feel good
experience , but I became so attached to the animals and felt
helpless when I couldn't take them home I had to stop. This isn't the
average sympathy I'm talking about. Magnify that times 100 , mix it
with intrusive overwhelming thoughts, inability to concentrate , loss
of sleep and severe depression and then you have what it feels like
inside my brain when I sense hurt, sadness or pain in others. It
reached the point where my kids would know which days I went by my
demeanor when I walked in the door from work.
It's also not uncommon for me to
gravitate towards the sad, broken people in a crowded room without
knowing who's who. It's a feeling I've had my entire life. I feel sad
for the lady on the bus with no shoes. It stays with ,me all day.
While I work, while I eat, when I try to sleep. It has forced me both
into and out of situations without having the words for an
explanation. Probably why I feel so connected to animals, elderly and
disabled. Probably why I picked a career in social work. Maybe that
was my way of attempting to help. It has the ability to make me
appear cold and callous and even selfish , when in reality I can feel
the weight of every drop of emotion within an unidentified radius.
Sometimes I have no idea how to deal with it. Feelings can be so
overwhelming I can't do anything else but distance myself.
There is good news though. I do feel
extreme happiness too, but it's a trade off.
The point is, having Aspergers doesn't
make me heartless. In fact, it forces me to guard my heart with even
greater precision than the average. So if my face looks blank in a
seemingly inappropriate manner, I assure you it's not that I am
lacking emotion. It's more like my way of doing anything and
everything to keep myself from exploding.
Until next time.
Stay weird.
Very well said, thank you for sharing your experience. keep writing and I hope it is theraputic for you to do so, as it was for me to read.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes yes. So much Yes for me. Problem is with those that recognize this in you, and then preys= on it. I can't tell the difference between who is true and who isn't, so now I just stay behind my wall.
ReplyDeleteI agree whole heartedly. I myself am in the same boat, having been diagnosed with Asperger's. I experience similar situations, finding myself drawn to and unable to ignore those who are dealing with grief or issues of their own, trying to help them however I can. My best friend, who is as close as a brother to me, he and I used to HATE each other, until one day he seemed in the grips of anguish, rather than turning my back I couldn't help but try and find out why he was sad and how I could help. Thank you for talking about your own experiences, and I think it is something we can agree on is that we don't lack emotion, we are burdened with far too much. Once again, thank you and I wish you the best in your life.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Patrick R.