If there were a way to go to school
and get paid for it, that's what I would choose to do for the rest of
my life. I love studying, I love schedules, I love repetition, I love
routines , I love learning. Unfortunately, I have been unable to find
such a position where I can tap into all of these and be financially
compensated.
I've never had any difficulty being a
student, but being an employee for some reason has never worked well
for me. Maybe its because I find it next to impossible to comply to
social norms (you with me? I'll save you a seat). Maybe its my rigid
routines, or my difficulty with transitions, extreme anxiety in new
situations and other random stimuli. Who knows.
What I do know, is that I went to
college for 10 years for the security of obtaining a career in the
field of my choice,which would then enable me to support my family.
At least that's the way I was told it would be.
EHHHH.....not so much.
I am ,however, proud to say that I
have achieved one of my life goals, to obtain a Masters degree.
Despite an array of obstacles, I found my way to final destination.
When all was said and done, my
excitement quickly faded. Transitioning into the real world was
nothing like I had imagined. There are no guidance counselors or
academic advisors that could type things into their computer and
shift your world around to make you more comfortable. There is no
buffer. No safety net. No graceful landing. It feels like a swift
kick in the ass after being caught skinny dipping, and the moments
following when you attempt to vanish into a rowdy, unfriendly crowd
with your clothes and other belongings in your hands...stark naked.
It has been four years and I still
have yet to find a position in my field...scratch that... any field. I made the decision to lower my
expectations in terms of starting salary, just so I could get a foot
in the door. I'm learning things don't always turn out the way we
plan.
It's no secret that part of having
Aspergers means that I suck at anything social. I probably don't
interview well. I wear a fake smile,(that shit hurts), practice
looking normal and pretend that I know the rules to the everyday
exchange of conversation. Its exhausting.
Let me tell you a quick story.
Not too long ago, a director friend
offered to film me performing one of my poems in a natural setting to
be put on his YouTube channel. I was nervous because I have always
felt weird about listening to my voice on a recording or watching
myself in an impromptu home video. I found though, once the filming
was done, I felt an overall sense of satisfaction at having completed
the project, which was, at times, was clearly quite daunting. But I
also noticed with that satisfaction I became flooded with a deep
sense of sadness.
My friend allowed me to watch snippets
of the video before he completed the edits. It wasn't the planned
acting parts that struck me, but those moments on the sidelines where
I saw myself , being myself. For lack of a better metaphor, it felt
a little like watching the gorillas at the Bronx zoo. There they are,
in their space, completely unadultered for the whole world to see.
(for the record I think gorillas are awesome so in this instance I
don't completely mind being compared to one)
Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I
noticed for the first time how others would see me, and how they
could possibly see me as different.(I try to use the word “different”
lightly. I like to think what separates us makes us unique and gives
us an edge.)To be frank, there was something maddeningly raw and
honest about watching myself in those moments. Like hey, this is the
Emily everybody else sees.
Suddenly I could hear every negative
and derogatory comment ever hurled in my direction about my awkward
demeanor, and I realized what they meant. I had a good long cry in a
hot shower(something I find incredibly therapeutic), along with a
firm pep talk from my daughter (she's good for those)and I let that
shit go.
Still, when I go on these job
interviews, I can't help but wonder that these parts of me shine
through and make it difficult for people consider me as an adept
professional. Even more so, I worry that if I do get the kind of job
I am qualified for, will it be something that overwhelms me
completely. Maybe not getting a job right now is a sign.
I try to take things day by day. At
least I have time to focus on my writing. But I have dreams. Dreams
that require me to move from this page and present my strengths and
assets to the real world.
I know where I want to be, and I don't
want my differences to be a barrier on my journey, but rather a
source of strength. I think having a diagnosis and learning
acceptance is a step away from the confusion and defeat I have felt
for so many years. I'm starting to understand that what other
perceive as downfalls in my personality are actually of invaluable
worth. (Some say obsessive, but I'm quite literally the most loyal
person I know) Besides, I've made it this far, and that's got to
count for something. Lets see where else this journey takes me. Stay
weird.
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