Friday, October 30, 2015

Safe sex. Is wearing a hat becoming "old hat"?

Here's what I'm learning about dating lately. Condoms are out of style. Which basically means I'm never getting laid.

I doubt very much that any of these prophylactic boycotters have ever spent an extended amount of time alone with a colicky newborn or sitting in the Planned Parent waiting room with their stomach in their throat and fire in their genitals.

I'm all about the business being real as it can be, but at the comfortable age of 36 I have for sure had enough scares , as well as some rather permanent reminders of the repercussions of unprotected sex.(I'll give you a hint, they mess up my house and eat all my food) I'll admit it, I learned my lesson late, but not too late. I thank my lucky stars I'm disease free. At this point I owe it to the man up stairs. He looked out for me when I wasn't looking out for myself.

I am speaking to people lately, most of them younger, and I am rather astounded. They hate condoms. You say the word and you get a face scrunch. I would think that they would be more educated, informed, and paranoid than they seem to be. Why so laissez faire?

I mean lets face it. Divorce is on the table as a quick get out option , so nobody really takes commitment serious anymore. What does that mean for our genitals? I'll tell you what it means. Nobody's safe out there. Penis and vaginas alike are seeing an incredible rise in the amount of random encounters they find themselves in without the right kind of equipment to protect themselves.

I went on a quasi date, which is like a real date in that you leave the house looking like a million bucks, or a crisp fifty if your a hermit like myself. (Not that we can't reach that whole million dollar status, it's just that were fabulous with all the bells and whistles on the inside so we see no reason to go overboard) Anyway as I was saying. So I met up with this guy, more than a decade younger, and I believe for all intents and purposes that makes me a cougar, correct? So hes all calvin klein underwear model looking fine. Now, I must interject here and go back to the idea of a quasi date. So he's very young. Too young to date. I do believe age is relative, but when were talking about making a lifetime commitment my standards are such that the other person has at least lived enough years to have an idea of what exactly that entails. So this quasi date is lets get together, know eachother until were comfortable enough to sleep together and go from there.

I know what you are thinking.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I have needs. I have standards also .Something important to understand is that just because you have one doesn't mean you should ignore the other. Meaning, I am picky in the kind of person I choose to share any extended amount of time with but that doesn't mean my vagina should turn into a mausoleum. It also means don't sleep with any tom,dick, or harry to get your jollys off. So with that said, I have decided as of late to just find someone for the purpose of getting my physical needs met until I can find the person that meet my standards as a competent life partner.

So here I am with Calvin, that's what we will call him because he was that hot. We are sitting by the water, discussing a lovely scenic view when all of the sudden he goes in for the kill. This wasn't just an average kind of kiss, this was a “here I come to savagely breath life into every fantasy you have had thus far.”Get it?

So before I know it my leggings are at my knees (his doing, as ladies know very well leggings are liars and we would never take them off to reveal everything they pretend we are not) Long story short hes making a leap from the passenger seat with his lower extremities at liftoff.

So here's the good thing about my brain and its wiring. I have the uncanny ability to be completely rational in moments where people loose their heads. Even in instances when its the literal heat of the moment and my loins are ablaze, my mind is able to press the brakes.

I attribute this to the fact that I question everything. I see things in black and white. Gray scares me actually. So when it comes to sex, I rarely ever throw caution to the wind because there's 13 million thoughts racing through my brain about the calculated risk I am taking. Imagine this, that only a minute amount of these thoughts ever escape my lips.

I used to feel bad about interrupting with my completely inappropriate comments at all the wrong moments. Now I count them as a blessing.

Needless to say, my quasi date ended with one or more parties in a state of dissatisfaction.

 Listen, there were times I have used poor judgment, or failed to act on things I was thinking out of sheer and utter confusion.But i owe myself more than that. I wish I could better understand people's intentions in regards to intimate relationships, especially in regards to the physical and emotional factors involved in sex.

I once asked someone I was interested in to come along with me and get tested. I felt at least this way if it went as far as sex we could rest easy. He agreed, but disappeared from my life before that could happen. I like to think I may have saved myself from a significant amount of trouble and heartache down the line. I believe things fall into place that way.

It's like that simple 5 degrees of we move in a different direction every day that makes the biggest changes later. Tony Robbins taught me that.

I may have had it wrong for a while, but at least I am on the right track now. Safety is totally in style, I mean consider the opposite, you could be dead., and we all know you can't feel that heat if you're buried 6 feet deep. So Be Protected. You'll have to excuse me now, Calvin is on his way over as we speak. With Condoms. Stay Safe and until next time...Stay Weird.

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