Spectrum Soccer Mom
I don't always want to talk about
difficulties. I don't believe its beneficial to constantly focus on
negatives. But I also believe that we live in a society that
attributes powerlessness and weakness to vulnerability, and I would
like to dismiss that myth.
One of the biggest challenges I face
as an adult on the spectrum lies within the realm of my parenting
duties. Not so much the act of parenting itself so to speak, but more
so living up to my children's expectations in regards to what society
says a parent is supposed to look like.
I have tried, with what I believe to
be an enormous amount of effort to instill certain beliefs in my
children, one of which is that everybody is different, including
parents.
I think they understand to a degree,
but I do believe there remains a frame outside their general
understanding they have yet to reach.
The reason I say this is because in as
much as I believe they truly love me as I am, I also believe
sometimes my differences frighten them.
I'm not talking about the kind of fear that comes with aliens or
monsters. I'm talking about the kind of fear that comes in feeling
alone and uncertain. I don't think they know how to say it, but I can
see it in their eyes sometimes. It is a feeling that I am all too
familiar with. The times when they should be able to believe, beyond
the shadow of doubt, that they can lean on me, are not always as
simple as they should be.
Parents, as a general rule it seems in
storybooks, television and mainstream society are deemed fearless.
Unafraid with an infinite amount of bravery. And even during the
times when they don't have these traits, they still pretend to.
But what if a parent was afraid? What
if in addition, they were completely incapable of hiding their fear?
What happens then? Well, let me tell you.
My 14 year old is an athlete. She is
exceptionally talented, witty, intelligent, and wise beyond her
years. She is my compass in most social situations when I feel
uncertain. I am eternally grateful to have been blessed with such an
amazing kid. She has been playing with the same soccer team for about
6 years now. It is a top level that participates in many out of state
events that require travel and frequent overnight hotel stays. It is
probably one of her favorite things about the team. She has a fancy
for all things,well, fancy. I'll add in here that this type of fancy
also happens to be my least favorite part of the whole experience.
I have severe anxiety when it comes to
changes in routine, leaving home, not sleeping in my bed, hotels, and
bugs. I have up until this point forced myself to submit to these
trips. Taking down myself and everyone around me in the process
between the pressure and the punishment for not being able to handle
it. I have tried to make adjustments, Carpooling, sharing rooms,
sending her up with teammates, canceling last minute, and even just
trekked it alone with her, putting myself in a very compromised state
physically and emotionally.
The reality is this. The amount of
anxiety in traveling for me is overwhelming. If I cannot go and come
home the same day I cannot go. It is as simple as that. I have
accepted that this is a part of who I am. Not that I have succumb to
the fears and refuse to overcome them, this is different. This is the
way my brain is wired, and rather than attempt to change something
biologically certain in my DNA, I have decided to work towards a more
attainable goal of working around it.
This weekend we are set to play in
Jersey. Initially I booked a room and and invited a friend to come
along for moral support. Then I checked the reviews which had
multiple reports of um, bugs. Reservations canceled. I researched
other hotels but found nothing. I made the decision that we will go
and come home both days. She gets to play and I feel safe. Its all
about compromise right?
Well sitting across from my daughter
at the dinner table as I broke the news proved to say otherwise. If I
said she was pissed, it would be an understatement.
Part of me was angry. How could she
not be more considerate of my feelings? Hadn't I raised her better
than that?
Of course I had, but this was one of
those things I spoke of earlier, the things that lie outside of her
understanding.
She gets that I am afraid of certain
things. She understands. But beyond that lies the extent of my fears
and anxiety, the emotional and physical repercussions over having to
withstand these anxieties under extreme pressure in the situations
that I am expected to perform. She doesn't know what goes on inside
my head. Her comprehension is only as big as her own life experience.
And besides, kids shouldn't have to understand certain things right?.
Its our job as parents to shelter and protect them.
But everything about our life as a
family says different.
My children have been exposed to some
harsh realities kids twice their age are unaware of yet. I am
conflicted over the way it has affected/will affect them. I like to
think they are attune to the world and better prepared for the cold
than most. But also, maybe they are missing blissful ignorance that
comes with childhood. I don't really know. Sitting across from her
when I broke the news which I felt was completely rational, it was
evident we were not in agreement. She was angry, but underneath that
anger I could see disappointment. Disappointment in my ability to
measure up.
“Why couldn't I just deal with it”,
was what she seemed to say.
Even further beyond her disappointment
I could see that she resented me for making her feel like she was
alone. My fears , my differences, and my overall inability to be
like the other parents alienates her. I tried to remind her of the
times we went away and I was a panicked mess. It just didn't seem to
resonate on a level of understanding I needed it to.
I have lost over a weeks sleep feeling
anxious, scared, sad and guilty. I don't want my children to ever
have to carry my weight, but at the same time I want them to be
understanding human beings aware that in every person that exists,
there are differences. And they should, in the best way they know
how, honor and respect these differences. I don't think people
should ever compromise their health or well being, be it physical or
mental for the sake of fitting in, looking normal or to keep someone
happy, especially a part of ones family. I would never want my
children to do that, and I cannot teach them to honor themselves and
be honest about their feelings if I myself, am not.
Part of me is happy she still
sometimes thinks like a selfish kid, and that I haven't forced her to
grow up too fast. As she does get older though, my hope is that my
vulnerability and honesty will enable her to understand better and
be more likely to deal with the world easier because of her direct
exposure to all things uncertain. Parents are afraid too. We are
human just like them. The only difference lies in our direct
experience with the world and what we have learned firsthand to be
true.
So what happens when a kid finds out
their parent is afraid? The kid learns what it means to be honest and
doing so, sees that it doesn't make them any less of a person. The
power lies inside that truth.
I don't think anyone has this
parenting thing down perfect. I do consider myself lucky to have been
blessed with great kids. They may not get it all the time, but they
get it. And that's more than I can say for most grown adults today. I
like to think I had a hand in that. Until next time ,stay weird.
Wanna know more? check out these links to my other pages. =)
www.facebook.com/eklein3
instagram @quiet_storm_10
http://themighty.com/2015/11/what-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-my-experience-on-the-spectrum/
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