So recently I caught wind of an HBO
special/documentary that was due to air on Autism. Anytime I hear of
a documentary that deals with the raw realities of human behavior in
any form, my attention is immediately captivated.
I attribute most of this to the fact
that my entire life has been spent studying people in a die hard
attempt at understanding them. All the while, without realizing it
was never due to a lack of effort on my part, but rather a short
circuit in my wiring from birth.
With that said, being able to witness
how Autism/Aspergers looks in real life from an entertainment
perspective, was both heartbreaking and endearing.
The documentary is shot in Columbus,
Ohio, and follows three young women with varying degrees of Autism as
they prepare for a spring formal set to be thrown by the moderator of
a support group they all belong to.
I'm not going to go into a synopsis or
play by play. I'll tell you that if you are interested in getting a
glimpse of what the realities of being on the Autism Spectrum look
like, you should watch it.
The reason for my writing this is to
shed light on a few points that were touched on during the
documentary that struck me as relevant and of importance as a female
diagnosed on the spectrum.
First and foremost, the documentary
discussed the difference in challenges as an adult and as a child on
the spectrum. I think that many people who lack a solid understanding
of the varying degrees of the Autism Spectrum have a tendency to
dismiss the diagnosis in adults, while placing more emphasis on the
treatment in children. As an individual who was diagnosed well into
adulthood, I can attest to the fact that more often than not, certain
behaviors can and are overlooked in children and later on as adults
become less socially acceptable and begin to cause more problems.
A good example of this is shown when
one of the young ladies is reprimanded by her boss at work for being
rude to her coworkers. The young lady sits in the chair across from
her boss in tears, completely unaware of her behavior and exhibits
true remorse over it. In her mind she was expressing her feelings and
didn't understand that in the process, she was hurting someone
else's.
I think that females especially have a
tough time with this. It has been studied that females on the
spectrum are better at adapting to social norms in childhood and
early adulthood which ends up masking the symptoms and delaying
diagnosis. Years of bottling up feelings of confusion,
misunderstanding and isolation in turn leads to depression and
anxiety in adulthood, which are often comorbitities of those
diagnosed on the spectrum. Many times, individuals will be diagnosed
with anxiety and depression early on, with professionals never really
getting to heart of the matter, which is the Autism. This was true
for me personally. I was treated with antidepressants since I was
teen, medicated with dozens of different medications until the day I
told my psychiatrist I was strong enough to see myself through these
difficulties without the aid of prescription drugs. Only then was I
able to identify where the real issue had been all along.
When I was growing up I was called
shy, slow to warm up, defiant, sneaky. At summer camp one year I
received an award for making the best facial expressions, which,
looking back, were most likely rooted in confusion. What I am trying
to say here is that in females, certain characteristics are more
acceptable and tend to go unnoticed. That is, until adulthood hits.
What was once shy and slow to warm up
turns into rude, antisocial and standoffish. Character traits deemed
highly unacceptable in adulthood. Things necessary to coexist in the
adult world in the the workplace, relationships, and parenting that
haven't been cultivated come to the surface. I think its important
to note that just because a person is grown, does not make their
diagnosis any less difficult. I agree with the psychologist in the
documentary when he states that if anything, the diagnosis of
Spectrum disorders presents more challenges and becomes more
difficult with age.
Another aspect of the documentary I
felt was relevant was the emphasis the psychologist placed on
empowering these individuals. Being on the spectrum I have spent an
overwhelming amount of time second guessing my behavior in social
settings and later punishing myself for screwing it up. I think when
you spend most of your time trying to make sense of circles when you
only see in squares, you get used to feeling defeat. I have, on more
occasions than I can count, tried to talk myself out of a challenging
situation because I felt so afraid I would fail. Never having a solid
grasp on what was expected of me as a human and being able to carry
that out with success drove me into a hole.
I have said in prior posts that I feel
unsure of whether receiving a diagnosis as a child would have changed
anything about my life now. I can honestly say I am conflicted. While
I may have bypassed a great deal of pain and hurt, I believe that I
am here today despite my difficulties and I have overcome so much,
and I am proud of who I have become.
I do believe that those who are
diagnosed as children and grow into adulthood learning to navigate
through life according to their specific needs are absolutely at an
advantage. In the documentary there was a scene that struck me where
one of the young ladies is sitting at the kitchen table with both her
parents and what appeared to be a caseworker. They sat and encouraged
her to advocate for herself in regards to her feelings and her needs,
while equally supporting her and allowing her to feel safe and
protected offering their advice in whatever decision she made. She
mentioned not feeling secure in the idea of living on her own and
that when the time came, she preferred a roommate. Listening to the
way she was expressing herself and how she had that support system to
encourage her, to me, was bittersweet. I cant lie, I found myself
wishing I had the same when I was growing up.
One of my biggest hurdles is my
struggle to feel safe. I think that if I had the kind of support I
needed emotionally where I felt encouraged to express my needs and
feel understood that would have provided an enormous help to me. Lets
face it, a person cannot feel safe unless their needs are being met
consistently and they feel understood. Communication is an essential
component to the human condition.
The last point I want to touch on
briefly is something the psychologist stated about the way he
encouraged interaction between the teens despite the inherent
difficulty they would encounter. He mentioned how in reality , even
to neurotypicals , the world of socialization and relationships can
be frightening. And how he felt almost guilty inviting them to take
part , as if it were his job to protect them , but also encourage
them to grow.
Navigating through the world of social
norms can feel at times, impossible to any individual, not just those
on the spectrum. It comes with pain, and hurt and sadness, but also
tons of happiness. The reality is, in my opinion, if individuals on
the spectrum aren't exposed to situations to promote growth,
understanding and acceptance, they face stagnation. I'm not saying
this is true in all cases. There are varying degrees and everyone has
their abilities. I'm saying even if we are pushed just a little bit
outside our realm of existence, who is to say that no good can come
from it. I am a firm believer in self expression, honesty, thinking
outside the box and challenging myself as a human in order to
experience growth.
I'll always have Aspergers, but my
difficulties day to day don't have to be riddled with shame and
confusion. I think if more people were exposed to what its really
like to live on the spectrum, those of us who live it as a reality
may feel more inclined to share these parts of ourselves that have
for decades been largely misunderstood. Kudos to HBO for shedding a
little light on the world myself and fellow Aspies live in.
Thanks for writing this, Emily. I wish you had the supports you needed early on, too, and didn't have to deal with the frustration of wrong diagnoses for so long. Will share this on TPGA FB in the morning.
ReplyDeleteReading your story made me cry. To think that what you went through has happened to me and to so many girls out there! Suidecidal thoughts, because of not fitting in anywhere, is so normal for girls with aspies.
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ReplyDeleteWell written and eye opening.
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